When a young child is having a hard time, arguing with a friend, or acting out physically, we treat it as a teachable moment. Our first response is not to shame or punish. We get down to the child's level, slow the moment down, and try to understand what is happening underneath the behavior.
Children are still learning how to identify a feeling, put it into words, and solve a problem with another person. That is a lot to ask of a developing brain. Our job is to keep everyone safe while helping them build those skills, one interaction at a time.
The Footsteps approach
- Get close, stay calm, and make sure everyone is safe.
- Help the child identify what they feel or need.
- Name the effect their action had on someone else.
- Offer language and tools they can use next time.
- Hold the boundary while making room for the feeling.
Behavior is communication
If a child hits, bites, grabs, or refuses, we start with open-ended questions: “What are you feeling right now?” “What are you trying to tell us?” “Do you need something?” “Do you want something?”
Not every child has the words yet. A younger or less-verbal child might point, gesture, or need a teacher to model the language for them. What matters is meeting the child where they are and finding the best way they can communicate in that moment.
We name the impact—and offer another tool
When someone gets hurt, we are clear about it. We might say, “That hurt your friend's body,” or, “Look, your friend is crying. That did not feel good.” We want children to begin noticing other people's feelings without labeling them as mean or bad.
Then we give them something useful to do instead. Depending on the situation, we might practice: “I don't like that,” “I need space, please,” or “Help, please.” It is not enough to tell a young child what not to do. They need words and actions they can reach for the next time the same feeling arrives.
Regulation is an invitation
We use a few familiar phrases throughout the day. We may invite a child to take a deep breath, ask whether they need a “body break,” or offer one of the calm corners in our spaces and classrooms. A calm corner is not a punishment or a place where a child is sent away. It is an invitation to decompress and have a little space.
Connection helps too. Sometimes we simply ask, “Would you like a hug?” The goal is to help children experience what it feels like to move through a strong emotion safely, with a trusted adult nearby.
The feeling is allowed; the boundary remains
Children test boundaries—that is part of how they learn where the edges are. We let them know clearly when something is a choice and when it is not. If a child becomes upset when we hold a limit, we do not need to make the feeling disappear or give up the boundary.
We can say, “It is okay to cry. It is okay to be upset. I am here when you are ready.” Both things can be true: the child is allowed to feel disappointed, and the limit still stands.
A small classroom moment
Recently, one child wanted a train another child was using and grabbed it from their hand. The first child began to cry. A teacher got down beside them, pointed out that the grabbing had hurt their friend's feelings, and invited the child to try again.
The train went back to its original holder. With the teacher's help, the child asked whether they could use it—and the other child handed it over. What looked like a conflict became a quick lesson in asking, listening, and solving a problem together. These moments happen every day. Children learn through patient repetition.
The approach grows with the child
With infants and younger toddlers, teachers do more of the talking and model the words children will eventually use themselves. As children grow, we step back and ask more questions: “How do you think we can solve this?” “What do you think your friend needs?” “What do you need?”
That shift gives older preschoolers more ownership of the conversation. They are not just following an adult's solution; they are practicing how to create one.
What families can practice at home
The same language works at home, especially in ordinary, low-stakes moments. If your child takes the cup you are using, it is okay to say, “That is my cup. I am still drinking from it. May I have it back?” If a child hits out of frustration, you can respond, “That hurts my body. I don't like that. I need some space.”
When adults calmly protect their own boundaries, name feelings, and model respectful words, children get more opportunities to practice the social skills they will use with teachers and friends.
Parents and teachers are partners
Most challenging behavior is a normal part of children learning to communicate and test boundaries. When a behavior keeps happening, escalates, or seems out of character, we connect with the family. We may ask whether something has changed at home or whether parents are seeing the same pattern there.
That collaboration is important. Home and school do not need to handle every situation identically, but when children hear familiar language and feel the adults around them working together, they have a much stronger foundation for learning what to do with their biggest feelings.